So let me bring you up to date. In the last 3 weeks i've been told I have breast cancer, spent a week thinking i was going to die, had 2 ultrasounds, an MRI, a mammogram, lump biopsy, a lumpectomy and lymph node biopsy.....and been to one of my best friends weddings, turned into an organic eating vegetarian, spent a fortune on organic cosmetics, started painting my house, organising carpets and roof people and gardeners and plumbers.....and lost my mind a little.
I should start at the beginning really. 3 years ago I found a lump, had a biopsy, it was fine. The last few months it started to grow. I had a niggly feeling something wasn't quite right so decided to have it checked - thinking I was over reacting!! I wasn't!! 2 weeks ago i was diagnosed with IDC - Invasive ductal carcinoma...bit of a shock to say the least.
So whats the first thing i did that night??? drank too many glasses of wine! ha ha It seemed like a good idea at the time but then at 2 in the morning when the world is asleep and its just me and the big "c" it was horrendous. I started shaking and didn't stop. I called NHS direct cos I thought I was going mad. I didn't sleep a wink, I couldn't eat. All I could think was "I don't want to die"
So fast forward the worst week of my life and I'm in the consultants room waiting to see if it is all over my breasts and they're both coming off. (By the way one of the worst things about this is all the waiting, waiting for tests, waiting for results, waiting for everything and everyone) And joy oh joy they're not. not right now anyway. and I am the happiest person who's been diagnosed with cancer in the whole wide world.
So aside from all the boring stuff that you don't need to know about here is the shizzle. Its shit. It sucks. Its bollox. Its unfair. Its inconvenient. Its scary as fxxk. It's the one thing you don't want hear ever.....But if anyone can do it I can bloody do it. I think i'm actually quite chilled about it. Its like someone just decided my life was too happy at the moment and they needed to give me something to deal with. So guess what, that's what i'm going to do...deal with it. Hopefully by writing this someone else might feel the same, or at least you, my friends, might understand some more......
Thoughts on cancer - I am planning to add to this section as I go along, just with random thoughts - of which i have many.....
Talking about it makes it better. I'm sure you probably don't believe me but it really is true. Talking about it makes it acceptable and boy am i talking about it. I can't think about anything else so i am going to talk about. If I have to go through it then the least everyone else around me can do is put up with hearing about it!!!. Until of-course the days when I've had enough of it (which do often occur) then I don't want anyone to talk about it. Ha ha - but guess what? that's my prerogative. I have been diagnosed with cancer. I can do what the hell I like.
You are definitely not alone. There are sooooo many people with friends and family going through it. I think its about 1 in 3 or something. Just look on the macmillan site if you don't believe me. As i mention somewhere else. It really is a god-send that site. Use it.
Suddenly everyone's an expert. Everyone know's someone or something who know's the best or better than anyone else!!! Really though, the only person who can make up their mind about what's best for is YOU. The doctors know about the medical stuff but the rest of it??? You have to choose when to listen, what to read, and choose when to switch off....reminds me slightly of that song I love by Kenny Rogers "The Gambler"
"you got to know when to hold, know when to fold 'em, know when to walk away, know when to run..."
Told you- my brain is slightly random - will now sing that all day...
But really, it is whatever you feel right with. I am choosing, nutrition, reflexology, yoga, the gym, reiki, meditation, visualisation...its basically now a full time job!